Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic