My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You Might Also Like
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
reduce, reuse, recycle
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.