Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
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[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.