My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
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“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
this is how life feels
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit