Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
DOOO EEEET
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.