[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
🙂🐾
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life