[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?