I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
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“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
We’re all getting idioter.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep