Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?