Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.