I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Damn what did I do next
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…