How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Can. I. Help. You.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.