People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.