The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
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Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
#DesignFail
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.