Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
my retirement plan is braless
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?