*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
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Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
this is 10/10 content no notes
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex