“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.