I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
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We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Smallpox sounds so adorable