Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
12653.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.