I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
welcome back
HERE’S MARKY
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants