Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
You Might Also Like
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.