I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.