My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
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DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.