I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My biological clock is wheezing.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day