[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
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my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Is….Is this an option?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean