This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
put ‘er there pardner!
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.