When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’m giving up ice.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”