Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates