“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.