Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
For the orator and chef in all of us
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.