me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…