If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Super Hand Dog Face
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad