Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Okay me first
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Its true…
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The answer is funnier than the question
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!