I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist