Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process