*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
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ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Extremely relatable.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.