Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Solving a traffic jam
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.