Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.