I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Happy thanksgiving
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before