PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
She puts the hot in psychotic
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.