Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
You Might Also Like
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?