*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law