My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Left at a local drug store…
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.