CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
You Might Also Like
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”