“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.