When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
worst…sale…ever
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.