boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Just grow your own
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*