To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
When I snag the last meatball.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Boom, boom, ching!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust