[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
You Might Also Like
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
no their not
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards