he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.